She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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