Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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