My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
