This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
