My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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