remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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