My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
