Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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