Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
