Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
