I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Green mimosas i think yes
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
