Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This girl is more easily done than said...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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