There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
