I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
