just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
