what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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