I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Is Oprah even human
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
