Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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