My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
