There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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