Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
