First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
