The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
