i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i will never coherently bang her
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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