Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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