how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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