there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
