What did we do last night that was yellow?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
