just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
