I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
