I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
