So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
