She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
