so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
