I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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