theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
