What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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