We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
