Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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