Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We need a shit load of segways right now
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
