May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
