she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
