Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
