no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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