he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
