I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
