Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
