If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
