I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
