I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
