I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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