my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I am available for nakedness
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
And then he peed in my hair
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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