I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
